Hello World!

Welcome to the mind of a confused girl.

To begin this blog I will go over a bit of my past. I grew up in a rather rural area, but still close to a city. So, it’s not like I was in the middle of nowhere. I have 3 other siblings. My parents are currently going through a divorce and I have no relationship with my dad. Yes, I have daddy issues.

I have always been a huge drama queen. Especially in my younger years. Anytime there was a camera I wanted to be in front of it, anytime there was a crowd I wanted to be in the center of it. I always wanted to be seen and heard, but I was terribly nervous when I actually got that attention. I would freak out and convince myself somebody was laughing at me. And then I would cry and break down lol. Since then, I have gotten much more comfortable with myself and I actually enjoy when people laugh at me. I have learned to laugh at myself, which is a wonderful trait to have. It saves me a lot of true embarrassment.

I ended up going to a very small private school until 5th grade. The school I went to was awful and I hated it. I only had 6 other kids in my entire grade and 5 of them were girls. It was a Baptist school, so the rules there were like military-grade. I had a hard time getting along with everyone who went there. I was not similar to any of them honestly and the girls (and adults) were VERY judgemental. I’ll get into all that later.

I then did homeschool for 5th grade and public school for the rest of my education. I seriously benefitted from going to public school. I was able to find out who I am, be in uncomfortable situations, and overall grow as a person. I made some huge mistakes in high school, which landed me in rock bottom situations ( I will also get into those later).

I am now 18. I will be 19 in 2 weeks. I am married. I am a (failing) real estate agent. I am unsure about every aspect of my life. My career, my marriage, who I am as a person. I am confused, I feel lonely a lot and I just want to find out who I will become.

Why

This is the part where “The Mind Of A Lost Girl” really comes into play. I am completely lost over what I should do. I wonder: why haven’t I divorced my husband of 4 months? Literally 4 months.

Today I thought to myself, “what would I tell my daughter in this situation?” Just to be clear, I don’t have any children. I would tell her to leave him. I would tell her she should have left him a while ago. Maybe, I should take my own advice on this one. I don’t want to be 5 years down the road and wish I left now.

I don’t want to let men abuse me anymore. Between my dad, my husband, my father-in-law, and my ex-boyfriend, all men have done is either disappoint me or abuse me. I am so sick of it. I clearly have poor taste in men.

It’s definitely me. I need to have my guard up more. I need to be ok with being single. I have always wanted a boyfriend, always wanted a man. I hated when I was single, I used to be desperate. Now, I am desperate to be single. I need to be ok with having high standards.

Don’t get me wrong, I know there are wonderful, amazing men out there. My brother is one of them. I just have yet to meet one. It’s not all men’s fault that some of them just suck. There are a lot of women that suck as well.

I don’t know what to do. I am so lost. I am so confused. But I am so happy that I have my mom and siblings. This is just too big for me to deal with. But, I know in the end I will be ok.

Life Is Hard

I’m having a very hard time figuring out what I actually want. I know I want to be happy and successful. Those are the two constants. Outside of that, I have no idea. What life can I create for myself that is going to be the most meaningful? Is it trying to live simple or always striving for more? Both are wonderful, but which one is right for me? I just don’t know.

Sometimes I just wish I was a fly on the wall that could just observe other people’s lives. I am in a complete state of confusion. Over the last 4 months my life has completely flipped. I’m far away from my family, my career isn’t working out, I’m in an unhappy marriage and I don’t know what my next steps should be. My husband love’s me, but I feel like I’m starting to lose my love for him. I feel awful about it. I feel like I am sinning by not loving him the way I used to.

The first 2 months of our marriage were awful. I know I am not perfect. I have faults, an attitude and I can be harsh. I was not prepared to be married. After me and my husbands honeymoon he completly changed. I felt like the man I was married to was completly different than the man I fell inlove with. He got mad at me for everything I would do. Things that I have never even thoought of before. He would yell at me for the way I ring out my wash cloth in the shower, the way I turn on faucets in the kitchen and bathroom, the fact that I bought fabric softner to use, the way I load the dishwasher. He even got mad at me because there was water on the walls of the shower when I got out. He used to snatch food out of my hands and throw it away. Then tell me i’m heavy and should go to the gym. ( I am 5’4 and weigh 130lbs. I am not close to being chubby). He told me I smile wierd and my teeth are too big and that need to talk “more submissive” to him. He also has told me he doesn’t like my voice or the way I talk. There is a lot more but I don’t feel like typing it. He’s gotten a lot better in the last month and he doesn’t talk to me like that. I guess I just don’t know why it happened in the first place and how much longer till it happens again?

I don’t know why he married me. I feel manipulated and I feel like a complete moron for getting married. If he would have shown this side when we were dating I would have broken up with him. It has only been 4 months and I already want out.

One Of My Favorite Paintings

This is a painting I did in 2019. I love it, it is so whimsical. If this painting was real life I would live in it lol. Sadly, I dropped another canvas on this painting. There are 3 holes in it because of it :(, but I still love it! The one in the sky is most noticeable. I need to patch it up.

The photo I took of the painting really doesn’t do it justice.

Why Do People Care So Much?

Everyone in my generation (gen Z) is so bothered by other people and their lives. It is something I will never understand. In school, everybody was so concerned with other people’s opinions of them. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t want to be hated, but I also don’t if people don’t like me.

There are people I dislike for valid reasons. I’m not going to lie there are probably people out there who don’t like me for valid reasons.

It’s just something I choose to not care about.

My opinion: If you are willing to say it to my face, I am willing to deal with it. If you don’t want to say it to my face, then I don’t care.

I Have To Make Mistakes

Today I am going to be faced with a challenge. I am terrified to make a decision either way because I feel like I might make a mistake. Something I have learned so far in my life is that I HAVE to make mistakes in order to grow. It is totally not fun, but it is necessary.

Mistakes are not the “end all be all” of my life. They are embarrassing, stupid, dumb, lame and any other bad adjective you can think of. But they have to happen.

3 years ago I made a really bad mistake and I ended up going to a mental health facility for a week. No, I did not try to off myself, but I was getting to a point where things were turning bad. I hated myself in that period of my life. I was humiliated by the choice I made and because I had to go to a hospital for it. I was going into my sophomore year of high school. The first week of school was when I was hospitalized. Absolutely humiliating. I was terrified of anybody knowing where I was, so I said I had pneumonia. That was the first time in my entire life that I experienced true anxiety. I remember sitting in class and having pain in my chest that traveled down to my stomach. I was so confused. I had no idea what it was and it was happening on a daily basis every time I was in that class.

Time passed and things surrounding my situation (there was a LOT more than just me being hospitalized) had dwindled down. I then realized I was the only one who cared that much about me being hospitalized. Nobody else cared, so why should I? Why am I letting this mistake control me? Why am I letting it take over my days and cause me to lose sleep? I realized that I couldn’t let it consume me or I would have a sorry life. I thought that period in my life was rock bottom. I now realize it wasn’t rock bottom. It was a period of growth for me. Ever since then my outlook on life has changed. I am more appreciative of my life and everything I have. That experience made me realize it’s okay to make mistakes, as long as they are not constant extremely detrimental.

Today I have a decision to make. I know that I will ultimately choose what’s right for me, but there is still a small voice in the back of my head that is terrified to choose. Whatever the outcome is, at least I know it will not be rock bottom. Rock bottom for me is literally having nothing. I have a lot for me in this world, even though I feel lost, I know I have a lot.

My COVID Dreams

Ever since I got COVID I have had absolutely insane dreams. They are so vivid and they have all been violent so far. I usually don’t care much for my dreams but…these are just different. If you have had crazy dreams from COVID, comment or something so I know I am not alone. This is kind of freaky, so if you are reading this and get scared easily, maybe don’t read it! I don’t want to upset anyone.

I have had 3 so far, this one happened last night and it is by far the strangest:

It started off with me, my husband, and my two nieces in an old house.  I’m talking- the house looks like it’s from the 1800s.  My nieces were in the living room watching TV and my husband was in the kitchen.  I left the house for some reason and was driving in a car.  This man appears in the passenger seat and we get pulled over by police.  The police officer is at the passenger window. The passenger and the police are kind of arguing.  The police officer then pulls out his gun and aims it at me and is screaming.  I immediately shoot my hands up and I’m crying and saying “I didn’t do anything.”  The passenger then pulls out a machine gun and shoots the cop and the cop car behind us.  Somehow he ends up in the driver’s seat and I am now in the passenger seat.  I am screaming and going crazy and the driver is now laughing.  I ask, “They know I didn’t do this right?  I have nothing to do with this!!”  He says something in response, but I don’t know what he says.  Then we end up going to someone’s mansion and the driver shoots up the mansion.  As we leave Lil Uzi Vert is in the driveway jumping and laughing at us, as if he is satisfied with the driver shooting up the mansion.  I then realize that the driver was paid for, by Lil Uzi Vert, to shoot up the mansion.  We get out of the driveway and on the road, there are these monster-like creatures.  They are creepy animal-like figures, they walk slow and deformed and they are just evil-looking.  I lower my eyes so that I don’t look at them, but the driver is unfazed by them.  We then drive up to these two huge humans. They look like people but they are giants, they seem evil.  I look closer at them and I realize it is a costume that 2 people are inside of.  I then take the machine gun and I am shooting at the tall human figures but nothing happens.  We continue driving and we end up at this facility.  It looks like a hospital because the inside is all white and sterile-looking.  There are people walking around, but they are acting sick and zombie-ish.  The Passenger/driver person tells me to not look them in their eyes.  I do anyway and their eyes do not look normal.  They are foggy and purple (it almost looks like someone with cataracts) but the outside ring of their iris is a bright orange color.  It almost looks like they are glowing.  There is a small room of people with normal eyes, seemingly trying to cure the people with weird eyes.  I approach the room (it has glass walls so I can see everything in it) and the people with normal eyes tell me “You can be safe if you stay with us, but if you go back out there I can’t guarantee that you are going to be safe.”  I have no idea what she’s talking about and I get frustrated.  I freak out because my husband and nieces are still at my house and I don’t know if they are safe now.  I leave and try to go back to my house, but when I get there the house isn’t there anymore.  It completely vanished.  I am very confused.  I then see my husband’s car.  The windows are completely blacked out and the more I look at it the more I realize it’s not actually his car.  There isn’t a rack on the roof and it isn’t the right brand of car.  I wanted to go in it, but I chose not to because in my dream I felt like if I went in it I would either get really hurt or die.  And then I woke up.

That doesn’t even sound believable!!! I swear this was my dream. I am so freaked out by it. Apparently, COVID is actually making people have crazy dreams. Hopefully, they let up soon. Honestly, I kind of want to write a short story based on my dream. Maybe I will? Who knows. Watch, that will be my next post lol!

Thoughts

My Life has become a huge fire

Every day that passes is just ash, drifting away into nothingness.

What will become of the nothingness?

You can’t make something out of nothing.

But I forgot, the ash falls onto the ground.

The dirt soaks it up.

The ash becomes nutrients for a new life.

A new beginning.

I can become a new life.

I will be a new beginning.

How could something start off so small,

and become something so huge and significant?